Hello everybody!
Firstly, as some of you know, I’m studying to be a Personal Trainer and Nutritional Advisor. I hope this blog will help my clients see that it’s not all plain sailing, that yes, I’ve been fat myself and I’ve beaten it (with bumps in the road) – and nobody is immune to yo-yo dieting. In fact, I’ve managed to undo 125 days of hard work (it KILLS me to admit this).
I kind of fell off the wagon. Well actually, I tripped over a huge freakin’ ravine and then dug a huge hole, climbed into it and then decided to claw a bit further down and shovel a bit of earth on top of me. Metaphors aside, I gained a lot of weight. I don’t know the exact number, but suffice to say it is around the 2 stone mark (12kg). Yes, I’m suffering all the typical emotions of somebody who has gained weight that they worked hard to lose, notably shame, regret, and annoyance. So how does one manage to gain so much weight in a short amount of time? I’m not one to make excuses- I basically ate what I wanted when I wanted. I ate when I wasn’t hungry, and I ate calorific meals. But whenever we gain weight it is important to evaluate why – it’s not making excuses, it’s getting to the root of the problem, and I get increasingly frustrated with anybody who berates people for saying things like “I gained weight because I broke up with my boyfriend”, or “I got fat because I changed career” – you are not making excuses, change can attribute to weight gain. I have now experienced this first hand.
I had exams in August, and I stress ate- ironic for somebody studying personal training! I aced my first set of exams. “Right!”, I thought to myself, “I’ve gained 4lbs – now to lose it”. Then, two weeks later, I lost my job – out of nowhere, the company for which I was working decided that they were going to make several people redundant – but weren’t going to effectively let us know who for a week. I ate through the week, and then when I found out I was one of the unlucky ones I sank into a depression – I was lethargic, lacking self-worth, and didn’t want to leave the house. The fact that I have suffered agoraphobia (fear of open spaces) in the past is something I’m not ashamed to talk about – and it does get worse when I gain weight. Heck, I didn’t leave the house for a year after graduating university. Sadly, agoraphobia also compounds weight loss – I was getting fatter, I didn’t want to leave the house, so I didn’t want to go to the gym, so I got fatter and the cycle compounded itself, and I was 10lbs heavier by the end of September.
On top of all this, I’d made the decision to move in with my boyfriend. Who lives in the Netherlands. October was spent packing, visiting Holland and our new house (from which I type this) and – at the end of the month – moving! Moving itself was much more of a shock to my system than anticipated, I’ve been lonely, I’ve missed home and I didn’t have a gym membership. My boyfriend was sick the first two weeks I was here (he had a tonsilectomy) so I didn’t need to cook for two, and was sleeping a lot, so I survived on cheap frozen convenience food (notably pizza) and takeaways. Then I weighed myself last week and found I’d gained 22lbs / 11kg, plunging me into a despair of… yes, more food.
So basically I feel like pants – so what do I do when I REALLY feel pants? Well, obviously I eat for a while and make myself even more miserable (which is something I have now learnt NOT to do!). I make a lists! So here are some informative lists that I can use in the future to avoid things like this. Reasons why I made unhealthy choices that made me gain weight / become inactive:
1. Disruption – loss of job, moving to new country and general disorientation
2. Depression (probably linked with the above) and agoraphobia (the two are intertwined)
3. Lack of money. I couldn’t really comfort myself with anything other than food.
Ways to combat the above:
1. Disruption can’t really be countered. Accept that I’ll gain weight easier when disrupted and don’t whinge, or make an extra special effort to eat well!
2. EATING “DELICIOUS” CRAP MAKES YOU MORE DEPRESSED IN THE LONG-TERM! Eating that rubbish also alters taste buds – I remember in April, after 2 months of clean eating, eating a McDonald’s made me actually sick to my stomach. Eating pizza 3 times a week is really not worth gaining 3lbs.
3. Yes not having money sucks, so find something else enjoyable and comforting to do – a bath, playing with the kitten, watching a nice movie!
In addition to the above, I’ve learnt the following lessons:
- I am one of those people who will always have to watch what they eat. Even if it’s just weighing myself weekly, I need to do it and if I notice a gain, I need to nip it in the bud rather than covering my ears and going LALALALA and thrusting my head into a box of Ben and Jerry’s.
- I can be really hard on myself. Maybe this was my way of rebelling against my harsh standards, who knows?
- Being overweight really, really affects me – it encourages my agoraphobia and makes me a misery to be around. I am not, and never will be, one of those girls who can “own it” when larger. I feel totally out of myself and reclusive. I hate it!
- I need to not dwell on my failings (not just related to diet) or unfortunate circumstances – I need to just take action and acknowledge that I’m doing the best I can. I can’t drop those 12kg again in a week and be back where I was, but that’s not a reason to not try my best to lose that 1kg that week – and trying to lose that 1kg is reason enough to give myself a big ole pat on the back.
To combat both my loneliness / boredom and also to help me get back into shape I’ve managed to find a gym and am hopefully going on Thursday (I have a lot of revision to do tomorrow). Knowing that I’m battling the problem is something that in itself will raise my self-esteem and make it easier for me to eat well. And in short, I’m sticking to the same diet “rules” as before:
1. Eat within my kcal allowance each day, tracking all food and exercise
2. Do some exercise every day, taking one rest day a week.
3. Limit crap – Caffeine, Refined sugars, Alcohol and Processed food
In addition to the above, I’m also creating a new My Fitness Pal account – I’m starting afresh! Details will be posted soon of my new user name in case any of my old MFPals are reading.
Onwards, and upwards!
Well done with writing it all down for yourself! I’m sure you’ll shed the weight really quickly