Spent about 2 hours last night planning weekly meals and sorting out a shopping list, so feeling ready to tackle this head on. I’m back on MFP and I braved the scales. The results are absolutely shameful, but here goes.

Weight: 73.7kg (this is 162lbs / 11stone 8lbs)
Body Fat (on those dreaded Omron Scales): 47.3%. MY GOD. (I’m sure about 5% of that is boobs though – when I get to my goal weight, which I have readjusted to 55kg / 121lbs, I will get a proper body weight test done with calipers.

Firstly, as some of you know, I’m studying to be a Personal Trainer and Nutritional Advisor. I hope this blog will help my clients see that it’s not all plain sailing, that yes, I’ve been fat myself and I’ve beaten it (with bumps in the road) – and nobody is immune to yo-yo dieting. In fact, I’ve managed to undo 125 days of hard work (it KILLS me to admit this).

I kind of fell off the wagon. Well actually, I tripped over a huge freakin’ ravine and then dug a huge hole, climbed into it and then decided to claw a bit further down and shovel a bit of earth on top of me. Metaphors aside, I gained a lot of weight. I don’t know the exact number, but suffice to say it is around the 2 stone mark (12kg).  Yes, I’m suffering all the typical emotions of somebody who has gained weight that they worked hard to lose, notably shame, regret, and annoyance.  So how does one manage to gain so much weight in a short amount of time? I’m not one to make excuses- I basically ate what I wanted when I wanted. I ate when I wasn’t hungry, and I ate calorific meals. But whenever we gain weight it is important to evaluate why – it’s not making excuses, it’s getting to the root of the problem, and I get increasingly frustrated with anybody who berates people for saying things like “I gained weight because I broke up with my boyfriend”, or “I got fat because I changed career” – you are not making excuses, change can attribute to weight gain. I have now experienced this first hand.

I had exams in August, and I stress ate- ironic for somebody studying personal training! I aced my first set of exams. “Right!”, I thought to myself, “I’ve gained 4lbs – now to lose it”. Then, two weeks later, I lost my job – out of nowhere, the company for which I was working decided that they were going to make several people redundant – but weren’t going to effectively let us know who for a week. I ate through the week, and then when I found out I was one of the unlucky ones I sank into a depression – I was lethargic, lacking self-worth, and didn’t want to leave the house. The fact that I have suffered agoraphobia (fear of open spaces) in the past is something I’m not ashamed to talk about – and it does get worse when I gain weight. Heck, I didn’t leave the house for a year after graduating university. Sadly, agoraphobia also compounds weight loss – I was getting fatter, I didn’t want to leave the house, so I didn’t want to go to the gym, so I got fatter and the cycle compounded itself, and I was 10lbs heavier by the end of September.

On top of all this, I’d made the decision to move in with my boyfriend. Who lives in the Netherlands. October was spent packing, visiting Holland and our new house (from which I type this) and – at the end of the month – moving! Moving itself was much more of a shock to my system than anticipated, I’ve been lonely, I’ve missed home and I didn’t have a gym membership. My boyfriend was sick the first two weeks I was here (he had a tonsilectomy) so I didn’t need to cook for two, and was sleeping a lot, so I survived on cheap frozen convenience food (notably pizza) and takeaways. Then I weighed myself last week and found I’d gained  22lbs / 11kg, plunging me into a despair of… yes, more food. 

So basically I feel like pants – so what do I do when I REALLY feel pants? Well, obviously I eat for a while and make myself even more miserable (which is something I have now learnt NOT to do!). I make a lists! So here are some informative lists that I can use in the future to avoid things like this. Reasons why I made unhealthy choices that made me gain weight / become inactive:
1. Disruption – loss of job, moving to new country and general disorientation
2. Depression (probably linked with the above) and agoraphobia (the two are intertwined)
3. Lack of money. I couldn’t really comfort myself with anything other than food.

Ways to combat the above:
1. Disruption can’t really be countered. Accept that I’ll gain weight easier when disrupted and don’t whinge, or make an extra special effort to eat well!
2.  EATING “DELICIOUS” CRAP MAKES YOU MORE DEPRESSED IN THE LONG-TERM! Eating that rubbish also alters taste buds – I remember in April, after 2 months of clean eating, eating a McDonald’s made me actually sick to my stomach. Eating pizza 3 times a week is really not worth gaining 3lbs.
3.  Yes not having money sucks, so find something else enjoyable and comforting to do – a bath, playing with the kitten, watching a nice movie!

In addition to the above, I’ve learnt the following lessons:

• I am one of those people who will always have to watch what they eat. Even if it’s just weighing myself weekly, I need to do it and if I notice a gain, I need to nip it in the bud rather than covering my ears and going LALALALA and thrusting my head into a box of Ben and Jerry’s.
• I can be really hard on myself. Maybe this was my way of rebelling against my harsh standards, who knows?
• Being overweight really, really affects me – it encourages my agoraphobia and makes me a misery to be around. I am not, and never will be, one of those girls who can “own it” when larger. I feel totally out of myself and reclusive. I hate it!
• I need to not dwell on my failings (not just related to diet) or unfortunate circumstances – I need to just take action and acknowledge that I’m doing the best I can. I can’t drop those 12kg again in a week and be back where I was, but that’s not a reason to not try my best to lose that 1kg that week – and trying to lose that 1kg is reason enough to give myself a big ole pat on the back.

To combat both my loneliness / boredom and also to help me get back into shape I’ve managed to find a gym and am hopefully going on Thursday (I have a lot of revision to do tomorrow). Knowing that I’m battling the problem is something that in itself will raise my self-esteem and make it easier for me to eat well. And in short, I’m sticking to the same diet “rules” as before:

1. Eat within my kcal allowance each day, tracking all food and exercise
2. Do some exercise every day, taking one rest day a week.
3. Limit crap – Caffeine, Refined sugars, Alcohol and Processed food

In addition to the above, I’m also creating a new My Fitness Pal account – I’m starting afresh! Details will be posted soon of my new user name in case any of my old MFPals are reading.

Onwards, and upwards!

I don’t know whether to be happy that I’ve lost, or frustrated! Last week, I felt my efforts were going so unrewarded, and after eating all that rubbish, I dropped weight. Maybe the old adage “break a plateau by eating more” is actually true!

In other news, I won a dress from ebay last week. I’m a bit of a clothes fiend, and as I get slimmer, the prospect of wearing smaller and more fashionable clothes – in the cuts I always wanted to wear, is becoming more than a prospect. It’s becoming reality. I’m wearing size 12s / Ms comfortably at the moment, and size 10s / Smalls are snug. I’ve always, always, always wanted a body con dress, especially one by Roland Mouret, or Preen. Imagine my delight when I found a Preen dress on ebay, bidding upwards of £65 – it had only been worn once. These dresses are worth at least £650. I seized the day, and bid. I won the dress for under 100pounds. It is my new goal to get INTO that dress. It’s a size medium, but Preen sizing runs quite small, and it’s about an 8-10. So realistically, I need to lose a dress size and a half to get into it. I’d LOVE to do this by my birthday (September 20th) but I think it’s possibly unlikely, but hey, a challenge never hurt anybody and I’ll have fun trying!

WARNING: Math and extensive rambling ahead! Tonight, I’m going to an opera event of my sister’s. It comes with a 5 course meal, and I’ve anticipated that I’ll be over my maintenance calories (1700 ish) by about 700 calories, maybe a more if I have wine. Depending on how HUNGRY I am, I’ll substitute some of the food for a glass of wine. If I’m hungry (which may be the case as I’m living on an apple, a nectarine, green tea and 18 calorie miso soup before then), then I’ll not have any wine. However, it seems a shame not to have any wine as the restaurant is famed for its wine. Therefore, worst case scenario, I’ll be over by 1000. Tomorrow, I’ll try not to eat much of my exercise calories, and will hopefully burn around 500. I’ll probably eat a few of my exercise cals (around 200), which will put my NET (I’m on 1200 to lose weight) at 1200-500+200 = 900 calorie NET, leaving me with a 1700-900=800 calorie defecit from maintenance. So I’ll only have 200 calories left, after the meal, to find to technically be at the same weight as I am today. On Saturday, I have a spinathon – not a massive 24 hour job, we’re basically trying to ensure we have people on a bike at all times, and we’re dividing it into 2 hour shifts. I’m not sure if an instructor will be present, or if we’ll be guiding ourselves. Either way, I’ll shoot for around 600 calories burnt, but in reality, I’ll probably burn more. I really hope, if uninstructed, we can listen to our ipods – it really helps me with my HIIT (high intensity interval training) because I can adjust the resistance in time with the music. But anyway, if I say 600, worst case scenario… I may be meeting up with a friend for food and drink, in which case, I’ll probably consume all of these extra calories, putting me at a 1200 NET, and a defecit of 500, and back, technically, losing. If my friend isn’t meeting me, I’ll try to only eat half of these to create a larger defecit (of 800) and *catch up* a bit on my losses. In general, as it’s my boyfriend’s birthday next weekend and I’m going away to Holland, I’d like to run a bit of a larger defecit this weekend to account for veering a bit off track next weekend (whilst I’ll make the  healthiest choices possible, I will probably not be at 1200 most days! Although I’ll aim not to be over maintenance.)

Something else struck me today. I now have TWENTY SOMETHING pounds to lose. I’ve had thirty something for SO long, I almost did a little dance! It also struck me, that in two pounds, I’ll have less than 2 stone to lose to GOAL and half a stone to be a healthy weight! I can’t wait to be able to say, I’m trying to lose a stone and a bit. I’ve NEVER been in a single stone territory! I’m so excited!

I’ll try to check in again next Thursday, before I head off to Dutchieland, here’s hoping on another pound off before then!

Luckily, it seems the few days off track did me a favour, because once I was back on the wagon my body rejoiced. In its jubliance, it dropped 3lbs in 3 days, putting me at 138.6lbs – and effectively the lightest I have been since I was about 18 (I weighed 9st 7lbs when I went off to university). So it took me a little longer to smash this mini-goal, but now I’m feeling confident and happy! I’ve lost 20lbs since the start of the year !

Nothing really new to report on with the diet front, I have an extremely hazardous weekend ahead (Bon Jovi on Friday – not so hazardous as I’m going witih my mum and have planned my meals, and will hopefully get a home workout done in the morning; weekend in London with a boozehound friend that I’ve not seen in forever; Bjork show on Monday) but I’m just going to keep my eye on the prize – and the prize is my size 12 Lipsy dress that is very very slighly snug. I want to wear it on my boyfriend’s birthday, and I want it to fit perfectly! I also had a very nice surprise when ordering a gorgeous dress from Mina – the only size they did the dress in was either S/M or M/L. I figured, hey, I’m pretty much “M” now, and I’m going to lose more weight, so even if it doesn’t fit me right now, it’ll fit me soon… and guess what? It fits NOW! Hoorah!

I suppose my biggest NSV was when I saw a friend of my sister’s who I’d not seen in about a year. She arrived at my sister’s flat, said hello, walked past me to my sister and was muttering. My sister dragged her over to me and said proudly, “She didn’t even recognise you! She was asking if it were you or not!!!”. I was made up – I didn’t hate how I looked before, but I’m really starting to like how I am looking these days. I just wish the fat from my arms would start to budge, I look like a rugby player!

Freya and Fantasie are brands of bras for the larger busted cupped women. When I started dieting at over 200lbs, I was a tight 40E. My back and boobs have been shrinking significantly and at last measure, I was a 34E, after dropping from a 34F within the same month. As they keep shrinking, I don’t have many bras, especially as I like to buy expensive ones. After an unfortunate incident with the tumble dryer that frazzled two, and with one underwire falling out of another, I was left with one bra. ONE BRA. That happened to be slightly tight around the back too. As I trundled home on Saturday, I passed a little boutique selling lingerie. I decided to reward myself, especially as I was wearing The Size 10 Pants (TM) (story coming up soon!), and demanded a 34E in certain bras. However, one really caught my eye, that was unavailable in 34E, and the sales lady insisted I tried the 34DD instead, and it fit perfectly! We got chatting about lingerie (being admitted lingerie-freaks) and I mentioned how I’d only really been able to wear certain brands before – such as Fantasie and Freya, and she said to me, “Well no more of that for you, you’re a Double D!  You can wear whatever you like!”. And then it dawned on me, FUCK YOU FANTASIE AND FREYA AND YOUR FULL CUP MATRON BRAS!!! WOOHOOOO!

Anyway, that aside. Classes! I’ve been spinning a lot recently and am really, really loving it. It’s challenging, but I’ve noticed already a great increase in my fitness, and it’s helping strengthen my knee. I’ve been attending body combat class (where you “fight” an invisible opponent to music) and have been really enjoying the workout and stress relief. Kettlercise was very hard at first (it’s an exercise class incorporating kettlebell weights) but I’ve noticed a fairly drastic increase in my strength doing it, and I’ve recently started Body Pump – which is lifting weights to music. It’s so empowering! I can only currently lift 4kg minimum, but I started at 2kg minimum so I really am seeing a difference (I’ve only been 3 times so far). I’ve also been doing an abs class – which is the hardest 30 minutes of my week (and gives me the most muscle pain 24 hours later!).

I needed to kill time before a body pump class, so popped into one of the half hour spin classes. There was a lady there (who amusingly, turned out to be my neighbour) who came up to me afterwards and told me how impressed she was by my fitness. I honestly never, ever thought anybody would say that to me. At a family party, I was collared by an auntie (a loveable battleaxe, if you will, the She-Don of our Griffin clan) who said to me “Your mother told me you’d been getting fit, but I didn’t believe her until I saw you!”. I’m finally starting to see changes in my arms, and am feeling great about it.

Now, for the long-awaited Size 10 Pants (TM) story. When I was at my biggest, I informed my colleague, excited, that I was embarking on a diet, and as incentive, had ordered some size 10 trousers in a sale online. She was, in all honestly, prone to nasty mood swings, and she sneered at me, snorting, “*I* can’t even fit into size 10s.”. Well, screw you, because they’ve been zipping up for weeks now (albeit with decreasing muffin top), and on Saturday they were loose enough to actually wear out and about. Shame I don’t work there anymore so I can’t wear them *to* work and show off

Finally, I set myself a challenge to burn 15000kcals in May at the gym, and I exceeded that by over 3000. I’m very proud of myself! 20000 in June!

Despite all the upbeat postings, I’m actually having to skip the gym today because I’m not feeling 100% (I was quite unwell with stomach issues yesterday and am still feeling a bit wan today). I’ve decided it’s the best thing for me to have a little break today – as I want to go into June (tomorrow) fighting fit, and I really don’t want to delay my recovery period. Here’s to June!

Since I last updated 20 days ago, I’ve lost over 3.5lbs, and am now 140lbs dead on. My body fat is also lowered, at 41.6% on my scales. Hoorah! More importantly, I’m starting to actually see a change – as are others. I was at a family party yesterday, and my sister (who I only saw last week, but I was in jeans and a t-shirt back then, and last night in heels and a dress) arrived after me, and she was looking for me but passed the room I was in twice because she didn’t recognise me! I also revelled in compliments from family who hadn’t seen me in months about how “fit” I was looking, and – this is a really big achievement for me – I acknowledged that yes, I had been working really hard. I’m not going to say “it’s easy” because it isn’t – some days, like today, I’d much rather stay in bed and watch an Angel rerun than walk to the gym and back in the cold and the wind, but I can, for maybe the first time in my life, say that I am the one making the changes in my diet – my diet is not making the changes FOR me – as did Cambridge. I feel in control, and am loving it, and I’m only 2lbs away from being the lowest weight I’ve been in about 7 years (and losing 10% of my weight from when I started dieting this year).

However! I weighed in yesterday, after 5 days of being back on track and had lost nearly all the weight I gained! I’m back at 143.6lbs.

I was disappointed with myself, let me tell you, and it took me a few days of thinking to realise WHY i chose to overeat, or make unhealthy choices, most days. I guess I was relaxed because my boyfriend was visiting and I don’t see him often, and wanted to indulge – but what I learnt was that

1. the food actually made me feel unwell after eating it – I’d not eaten even a microwave meal in over two months, so my stomach did NOT respond well to the mcmuffin
2. I could have planned meals better
3. I don’t *need* food to make me happy. Did eating the pizza, chocolate etc. make me happy? No. My boyfriend being here made me happy, seeing friends made me happy, the wonderful weather made me happy. If anything, most of the food made me unhappy in the long term – by either upsetting my stomach or by putting pounds on me that upset me on weigh day.

I’ve learnt my lesson – no more greedy guts!!!

This week is going to be quite difficult, I have physio tomorrow after work, IPL patch test on Wednesday (as some of you know I have PCOS, and it’s a form of laser hair removal), and IPL itself on Friday – which means I can’t exercise any of those days, as I go straight after work, and both my physio and laser clinic are over 2hours commute there and back. I’m also visiting friends on Saturday night and staying over, so I won’t be back in time before the gyms / pool close on Sunday (as they close early on Sundays). So I’m going to have to be extra careful – here’s hoping!

On the positive side, no fewer than 3 people have commented on my weight loss this week – we took a lot of photos over Easter and my boyfriend put some on facebook. It was really nice to be complimented as I don’t always see it – and naturally he was wonderfully complimentary when he saw me for the first time since I started calorie counting!

Anyway, back on track! This week is a week of new experiences. The first being, shopping in changing rooms and not wanting to hang myself from the curtains. I actually wasn’t horrified when I stripped off! I wasn’t HAPPY, but I didn’t cringe. I returned home with arms full of size 14s and mediums (bar one Miss Sixty vest, but we all know that they are tiny sizes anyway). But the one thing that made me unbelievably happy was… my blazer from TopShop. At my largest, I went into TopShop with a dear friend, and saw a really cute blazer, in size 18. I figured, this will fit me, and tried it on. No way in hell. It was at least 2 sizes too small. I quietly put it back, convinced myself that TopShop sizes were tiny, and to this day, I’ve been scared of trying anything on from there. It felt like I’d come full circle, it was wonderful. A true NSV. I also tried on my size 10 skinny pants (the story of which is still to come, I know) and they ZIP UP. I swear, when I was this weight last time, they would not zip up, which goes to show that I’m leaner and have lost inches!

It’s been a new week for new classes too. I went to beginner spin class on Thursday evening, and it was only half an hour. I didn’t finish the class like I felt I had worked to maximum exertion, but I did feel like I’d had a great workout! However… on Friday, my cocyx (the tailbone near the pubis) was SO bruised! Everytime I sat down, it was with a groan! Which meant a crosstrainer only workout on Friday (no rowing!!).

Last night I decided to give spinning another go, for the full hour, non-beginner session. I was very very nervous, and then I realised, there was a kettlercise class just before (a class with kettlebells, which are like free weights with handles- a bit like purse) that would mean I wouldn’t have to wait around for 45 minutes before the spin class. Kettlercise was BRUTAL .It was 45 minutes of lifting, and spinning weights around! 10 minutes in I looked at my watch and was bitterly disappointed to find we weren’t even a quarter of the way through and I swear there was a collective groan as we all finished the class. Great, I thought, now I can get a little break with spinning. NO. WAY. It wasn’t only double the time, and maybe I was also tired from the kettlercise, but it was a LOT harder than the beginner spin class. I had my protein shake straight after, headed home and felt a little bit weak before my bath. I then discovered the cold water tap wasn’t working, so my bath was very, very hot. I left it a little while to cool before I got impatient and then, yes, had a hot bath. It didn’t end well, I nearly fainted. It must have been low blood sugar. Basically, I’m always ravenous shortly after breakfast. Then I eat lunch at 1, and don’t eat again until I get home at around 8/9pm. Usually I’m fine, but I think with that level of high intensity exercise, it was very silly. On days like that, I’m going to make sure I have extra food in the afternoon to fuel my workout!

Tonight, I’m experiencing another new class- body combat! Can’t wait!

I’ve amended my nutritional goals in my fitness pal – lowering my fat intake and increasing my protein, keeping carbs the same so I’m having a ratio of 20:30:50. I also ordered some protein shakes from Discount Supplements – using the Optimum Health brand (whey protein, in strawberries and cream flavour – it wasn’t bad but I did need to have some water straight after, and it left me feeling a bit phlegmy.).

Now for the big news!! This has been a long-term goal for a while now, and I guess I was too shy to admit it when I started my blog in case I failed, but now I have the confidence to tell you all that I’m starting a Personal Trainer qualification through Future Fit. It’s mostly distance e-learning, and my first practical class is in August. I doubt I’ll be at goal looking at my trends of losing 1.5lbs a week on average (I’ve excluded the week where I gained 0.2lbs because I didn’t stay on track). August (I’m not sure of the exact date of the session) is 13 weeks away from 1^st May (I think I’ll probably STS at the end of the month, or gain a little because my boyfriend is visiting) so I’d like to lose another stone by then, putting me at around 130lbs, but if I keep to my trend of 1.5 / week (probably unlikely given that my weight loss will probably slow- and has started to) I could probably be a realistic minimum of another 19.5lbs lighter, weighing 125lbs. I’m extremely excited. I was, however, a bit miffed when I posted about it on facebook and a few people made themselves notable by their lack of encouragement. The thing with weight loss is that I’m used to people becoming increasingly jealous as I succeed on my journey, whilst they stall in their own (or in the case of one friend, never start).  The same thing happened when I did the Cambridge Diet and lost my first 60lbs. What matters to me is that my family, closest friends, and boyfriend are very supportive of my choice. There are also some people on there who haven’t seen me in years,  don’t even know I’ve lost weight, and are probably pissing themselves with the idea of  the old, 210lb me trying to instruct people in fitness and nutrition. Neither of these groups bother me too much – the former group need to focus on themselves, and the latter group will be proven very wrong, very soon.

Encouraged by my increasing knee strength, I went for a run on Saturday, or rather, the first stage of C25K which is running and walking at intervals. I don’t suffer from asthma when I exercise – only when I run. And it’s not the outdoors, it happens on treadmills too. It was hard work, and frustrating – my body wasn’t tired, I was just short of breath at times, but I felt wonderful when I’d finished. Until an hour later when runner’s knee set in. I guess I probably should have spoken to my physio before going for a run rather than grinding my knee for half an hour. I just hope I can get to the stage where I can run, and it won’t hurt afterwards, or do any damage to my knee. I was also given clear proof that my right leg muscles aren’t kicking in, because my left leg was a little sore on Sunday, where as my right leg was fine, just the knee was very sore when going downstairs. Shout out to the paid c25k app for iphone, it’s brilliant.

I also ordered the 30 day shred, however, after delivering it 2 days LATE and shoving it through the door (choosing not to knock, or put it in the box that says, y’know POST) Jillian was subject to the 30 second Shred by my barking dog.  Who in their right mind would throw a dvd through the doorflap to a barking dog? At least amazon are sending me a new copy. Idiot couriers.

I’m reluctant to spend much money on clothing (especially the above) because I still have over 30lbs to lose. I also HATE wasting money – and it feels like wasting it, buying size 12 clothes that I’m (hopefully) not going to wear for very long. Maybe it’s confidence in my ability to succeed this time (it just *feels* different), maybe it’s delusion, but I can SEE myself at 110lbs, I just can’t see my size (6? 8? 10? Who knows!) – which is a double whammy because I’m horribly impatient. Many people “love” the dieting process – seeing their body change blah, blah, blah. Whilst I find pleasure in that, I’m more tapping my feet hoping it’ll go faster! I also know women who, no matter how much weight they lose, can never have a small bum- I have no idea how my body will change, especially with the fact that I’m exercising a lot. This is why I’m reluctant to say “I’ll get an 8 and I know I’ll fit into it at some point” – what if it turns out that, no matter how hard I try, my back never fits into an 8! The lowest I can recall EVER weighing (apart from being a child) was being 130lbs and 15 years old, so I don’t even have a point of reference! I guess I just have to be patient – something I am NOT good at – especially when I get an email from theoutnet.com informing me that they’re selling Herve Leger bandage dresses (something I DREAM of owning) at 65% off – which is an exceptional deal I doubt I’ll see again in a hurry, but regardless, I cannot justify spending 300pounds on a dress that may never, ever fit me properly!

That said, I cannot wait (pun intended) to be at the end of my journey and go shopping for an entire new wardrobe – including jeans, coats and hopefully, a Herve Leger bandage dress (even if it’s a knock off from FCUK!).

As an aside, my muscles are almost back to normal now, so I’m going to be able to make it to the gym later – hoorah!